Remember those classic Charmin toilet tissue commericals where shop keeper Mr. Whipple begged his customers “please don’t squeeze the Charmin”? They ran from 1964 to 1985. They were a staple of my childhood.

Well, anyone who used Charmin understood that it was sinfully soft and well cushioned, which is quite important considering the product. It was so irresistibly soft that customers always wanted to give the rolls a squeeze.

Wouldn’t you know it…a story in the New York Times this week informs us that the environment is suffering because we waskily humans are obsessed with soft toilet tissue. According to the article, softness comes with a price. Talk about an alarmist headline: “Mr. Whipple Left It Out: Soft Is Rough On Forests”!

The environmental extremists are waging war against toilet paper manufacturers. Greenpeace went as far as to start rating rolls based on their environmental soundness. PLLEEEEEEASE!

Have you ever USED the recycled fiber variations that the Chicken Littles want us to use?? I HAVE. And all I can say is: OUCH. No thanks. Why not just use sandpaper? Would that de-sand our forests?? Oh right. Can’t do that.

Sorry, but life is too short to get unnecessary splinters. I will relish my soft as can be Charmin, thank you very much. The earth will somehow manage to survive.

On this same environmental goofiness front, have you noticed that certain un-named spring water bottles are being made with 30% less plastic? That would be fine with me if the bottles weren’t razor think and so prone to leaks. And when you open the bottles up, they SPILL ALL OVER YOU because it appears that you need a little more PLASTIC to keep the water INSIDE THE BOTTLE!! So I will start buying the more environmentally destructive (in the opinion of a small group) type of bottles. I am tired of everyone spilling water all over the place because some people think the design will buy us more time on this flying rock.

So unlike Mr. Whipple, I am urging you to squeeze the Charmin. Be comfortable. The earth is not going to fall off its axis because human beings prefer to use pleasantly soft toilet tissue.

Let the alarmists and the fanatics use the sandpaper varieties and drink from the almost invisible plastic bottles.

Maybe I just give the earth a little more credit than they do. Thank God the planet has a thicker skin than they do.